Be Strong And Very Courageous, Leading Invites Sabotage

A family was struggling with one rebellious teenager who had recently gotten into drugs. A family therapist had come in to help this family relate to one another better and teach them good communication tools.
After a while, it seemed that none of this was working, and the teenager was getting dangerously close to a complete crash. It was not hard to imagine a long stint in rehab, or worse, death, being the result if something did not change.
A typical evening included fighting, manipulation, and power struggles. The teenager wanted to do whatever she wanted, and her parents were constantly trying to convince her not to go down that road. 
They gave in to many of her demands just to keep the peace, and looked for ways to connect better, at times practically rewarding and reinforcing the destructive behavior.
One day, the father of the girl had a revelation. He and his wife needed to set some rules and boundaries, give clear expectations, and be completely consistent with those rules and boundaries. They needed to lovingly insist on these rules being followed, and if they needed to enforce the rules, they would do that lovingly as well.
Though his wife agreed, she found it very hard to stick to the rules when they first seemed to create conflict. Pretty soon, the dad found himself being emotionally sabotaged by his wife. Dealing with her own fear and discomfort, she had been undermining their rules and allowing their daughter to play them against one another.
Unsure what to do, the dad said to his wife, “Please, honey, this is unacceptable.” He confronted her lovingly over her tendency to sabotage him, and she agreed she would stop. Then he went on and enforced the boundaries as planned, keeping his calm and emotional equilibrium.
Soon, his wife was able to trust their process and keep her own equilibrium in the face of the conflict with their daughter, until one day, the daughter began to achieve her own equilibrium and calmness by following her parents’ example. The girl got clean, and the family’s health and peaceful dynamic was restored. In fact, it was better than ever because these emotional entanglements had been a feature of the family’s world since their daughter was born. The manifestation of the rebellion and drug problem was only a symptom of a systemic process problem.
This is a typical scenario in Edwin Friedman’s powerful book A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, and this leads us to our final leadership quality to discuss.
Number 10 is: “Good leaders have the nerve to move forward, though some will disagree.”
1. Trusting God for outcomes. Fearing God.
2. Loving the truth above all things.
3. In love with the vision (to some degree).
4. Having a reverence for other individuals.
5. Able to disillusion followers (about leader him or herself).
6. Open to criticism and questions.
7. If possible, a life that is a concrete embodiment of the vision.
8. Confident in Christ, but not arrogant.
9. Pretty good at communicating.
10. Nerve to move forward, though some will disagree.
Friedman’s model is biblical:
“Be strong and courageous, for you shall cause this people to inherit the land that I swore to their fathers to give them. Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go. This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:6-9 ESV)

And Galatians 1:10:

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

A leader who is self-differentiated in a healthy way and leading from a place of vision will make people uncomfortable, and before much progress is made, there will be emotional sabotage in the form of decisiveness, undermining, gossip, and even open opposition.
Most leaders today do not have what it takes to maintain direction in the face of such opposition. Unlike Paul, they think they are there to “please man.”
But just as God told Joshua, a leader must “be strong and very courageous,” because that is what it will take.
To see what the opposite looks like, consider when Moses was on Sinai receiving the law, and Aaron, his brother, was in charge. By the time Moses had come down, the Israelites had gone crazy, having convinced Aaron to make them golden calves to worship in drunken revelry.
Amazing! This constituted a failure of nerve on the part of Aaron, and Aaron blamed the people, just like Adam blamed his wife for giving him the fruit, and just like King Saul blamed the people for making him disobey God.
Leaders need nerve because people will get freaked out about any change, and they will try to sabotage the plan. Leaders need to listen carefully and with empathy, but not so much empathy that they can be drawn off their path by emotions.
“But wait! Didn’t you say the other day that a leader must be open to criticism and respect the individuals who they are leading?”
Yes, I did. Sometimes, leaders are doing wrong. It’s not about direction, but rather, it’s about their sin. In those times, they must submit to the people because they must submit to the truth.
Even in the case of vision where the issue is not one of sin, but of direction, a leader would be foolish not to hear the concerns of those he is leading up to take that hill.
But when it is clear that the resistance and fear is simply of/to change itself, the leader must say, “I hear you, and I understand how you are feeling. Thank you for telling me about it,” and then he or she has to move forward.
Almost every time there is a bold vision, there will be fear and opposition from some good people. Friedman says to see the attempt to sabotage as a good sign that the leader is truly differentiated and healthy.
The ultimate goal here is that all those being led will also become differentiated and healthy in the process. As they have to learn to manage their own emotions and accept or reject the new direction, they will develop a greater sense of self, a confidence that is rooted more in truth than in emotion.
Since their voice was validated as important, even if their advice or wishes were not taken, they can feel validated by being listened to (because they are validated by being listened to). The leadership heard them, seriously considered their position, and then made the decision to continue forward, thanking them sincerely for their input.
This is how leadership will work in healthy organizations. Friedman learned over the years that what applied to families, applied to churches, governments, and businesses as well.
A leader needs the courage to be unpopular, so long as the unpopularity comes from strong leadership and not abusive leadership.
What about you?
What is your dream? There is a good chance that if you have any kind of big dream, then it is a leadership dream. Sound off in the comments on what you are trying to do and how it will require leadership. It could be big or small.
I’m glad I went through the process of writing these leadership posts, because I am comfortable with the fact that several of my current roles in life require me to be a strong leader. By God’s grace, I no longer have any hesitation about it, even as I seek clearer direction for each of these roles.
Thanks for sticking with me in this, and since I haven’t encouraged you in a while, let me say: Stay focused today. Know what you are trying to do and keep doing it!
Oh, and happy Veterans Day. My wife and I are Air Force vets and will be indulging in all the free food our city restaurants shower on us for the day.
God bless!