Do Your Friends Make Your Life Better, Or Worse.

I was talking to a friend who has a host of toxic relationships. I can’t tell if it’s her fault or the other people’s fault, but it’s probably both. 
Why is she allowing these people into her life? 
Some are family, some are friends, and one is even a romantic partner. But very few aren’t toxic. 
What do I mean by toxic? I know that word is thrown around a lot. I am not a therapist or an expert on this matter, except that I’ve been living as a human on earth for 50 years.
By toxic, I mean destructive, doing more harm than good.
How do I know what is more harm than good?  
For me, any harm in a relationship is more harm than good. 
I don’t mean there is never anything to apologize for, but there is a pattern of hurt. There is negativity, thin skin, and walking on eggshells. 
You can’t be yourself or be honest because they take everything the wrong way. 
You can’t count on them not to talk badly about you when you’re not around. 
They simply tear you down and say mean things, especially in front of other people. 
I wrote a bit ago at the Newsletter for Christian Writers about the power of truly Christ-centered relationships, but I want to go deeper into the subject. I suspect some of my readers are better versed in these things than I am; I welcome your comments. 
To have quality relationships there must be: 
Mutual Respect 
First, I need to be dealing with a person who respects others and expects others to respect them. Anyone starts with my respect because I respect the image of God in a man or woman. They can lose it quickly through character flaws, like dishonesty, but I will continue to respect them by insisting that they now earn my respect by better character. 
Side note: Especially respect your children. I rarely see parents show respect to their children. They speak to them however they wish because they think it’s their right, but it will come back to haunt you if you don’t consider your children worthy of respect. They will respect you if you respect them. 
Shared Virtues (character) 
By ”shared,” I don’t mean we can both have bad character. But we should both have good character. I want to strive for the best and look for people who are doing the same. I will shy away from someone I think shows dishonesty in some area. I will be drawn to virtues such as courage and compassion. I want to have those virtues, so I’d like to be around people who do and avoid people who don’t. 
Shared Values
I don’t need people to share my values in order to respect them, but it surely is nice to know we care about some of the same things. I have friends on the opposite side of the political debates, but that’s not a dealbreaker. 
Emotional Independence 
This is a big one. It behooves all of us to find our peace and sense of self in God in a way that we receive much from Him. I want to live focused in such a way that my emotions are serving me and my pursuit of life for the glory of God. I want to feel happy when good things are happening and sad when bad things are happening. I’m not a stoic; I’m a Christian. 
By the grace of God I am somewhat emotionally independent. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy emotional support from other emotionally independent people. We’re not codependent but, as some psychologists put it, differentiated. We were created alone, saved alone, and will die and be judged alone. Rather, we do all those things with God. Being comfortable being alone is a great way to be a good friend to others. 
Bonus: Shared Faith 
I wish that shared faith could sum up all the above traits, but it rarely does, and sometimes I find these qualities in nonbelievers. I’ll take them and pray for their salvation, just as I’d rather have a healthy boundary around the Christian who has not allowed his faith to improve the above areas. 
We’re going to have a good relationship or no relationship. 
What kinds of things can you think of to put on this list? 
 
Reminder: Focus Today 
Don’t forget to live in focus, abiding in the present and in Christ. Everything good can happen when we do that, and you can’t imagine just how good until you let God be God in this way.